Friday, August 15, 2014

How quickly to relapse

So here I am writing in the wee hours of the morning after yet again falling victim to the sense that I shouldn't disappoint you.
That even after how you have so easily dismissed me you still come sit yourself down and I cannot help but swing right back into being your confidant the person you can seek for comfort.
I must be the fool to think that anything will change. I know that your reasons and compliments are empty platitudes to soften the blow and justify in your mind what goes on.
I write this knowing you may never see it that i may never say but one day this connection you claim we share will vanish and it is at that point you will realize that it wasn't born out of time but something real and more than anything we had now. I will always respect what you claim holds you back but at some point this will end and by then however you will see the vacant spot where I once stood and only then realize what I know this day. For that day you will be the fool.
Till then I am. I will push deep and bury what I feel for your convenience and stay the course but I will drift and fade from this point till these feelings are walled, buried and eventually faded into old memories.
Till then here I am in these wee hours writing and feeling like that fool for letting myself fall so simply back to your side and never force what I know is there.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Dreams and Dreaming


When we awake from a night’s slumber we are left with wo things, a grogginess that needs to be seceded from our eyes and either a vestige of an image we remember or a point where we know there could be something but there is nothing.
So what is the dream we have, why is it we dream, no I will not be looking at this from the scientific point of view on REM sleep cycles and what it does for our other parts. No that is an easy way out, I figure, it doesn’t test your idea of why you actually dream what you do, and the questions that can pose. I know I won’t give you much more then what I see the world as, but then again I never said anything otherwise, this is just my account of the world, and how I view it.
Why is it we dream … I feel that we dream not simply so that the REM cycle can be completed but rather our mind can help us sort out exactly what is going on, our hopes, fears, plans, wishes, doubts all get placed into this great vat where eventually our mind will try to make sense of it all, often formulating in dreams.
People often dismiss dreams as fantasies but I see them as great tools to be used by us to foresee what outcomes can arise, and how to work towards them, often when we dream with ourselves in them that person is not completely beyond the realm of possibility. I have upon my Profile a quote saying, those who try for the difficult – attain the impossible. So why is a dream anything more than a difficult, yes I do recognize that there are those dreams that are simply not possible, but after those, why is anything we dream so difficult to conceive for our everyday lives.
If you want to get down to it, it’s not, it really isn’t all that a dream is a thought that does not have to be weighed down by the checks and balances that we subject ourselves to everyday. A dream to me is what our mind should be able to conceive without the situations that society in prescribe us to weigh our thoughts against.
So then that begs the question of the nightmare, why do we let these negative expertises come into our dreams and often why are they often so powerful that we awaken from them. Well in my view of the world (which please remember has no science behind it) and how dreams interacts with us, a nightmare is more akin to reality and how the world is and could be without removing our preconceptions about our place in the world. This thought of the worst thing that can happen that does not allow us to rise above out station. Because even within my dreams where I expire but can rise above what I see myself in the reality of the day I do not see it as a nightmare, whereas simply expiring and just that being it, or anything along those lines gets me more terrified then any of the others.
This brings it to mean that dreams show us how wrong life is if we simply continue to let it dictate how we go about our lives and get about our day. Dreams allow us to see how life could be without the thoughts of what could hold us back rather than allow us to pursue or wishes and dreams. So the next time you are dreaming and you wake up, remember what it was, and think…I could get there….not it was a nice dream but a dream just.


Then that brings me to the point of a dream. Not the mind bit where we sleep or daze and come to a point where our mind plays out something like a cinema but rather that thought process in which we think about what it is or where we are going and what we want to obtain from life.
So what is about the dream we create that makes it a dream, there is the difference between a dream and a fantasy. A fantasy is something that requires us to be altered or have something happen to us for it to occur, you know I’m talking like when we get super powers, or become a ghost or control the world (although….). A dream on the other hand is us doing something that we cannot see ourselves doing but is entirely possible. A dream as it were is something we should see ourselves becoming or doing in our lives. There again is a quote from my Facebook page that says "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." I do believe that, you cannot live in a dream world and not get on with your life, however at the same time I see that quote as saying don’t simply look at a dream, use it, take that dream and run with it, live life trying to obtain it, because in the end you will never know how far you can go unless you reach for the ideal. Yes the dream I think is the ideal and can never be truly reached but you should always reach for it none the less.

The wind is never seen yet it always acts is if it were

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Now, don't think this is going to read about jumping from buildings, hopscotch, jump-rope or really anything to do with that, No, it is a metaphor this time like well pretty much everything I write I try to use symbols to get the point across.

It is interesting to think about the idea of jumping, we as people cannot fly without aid of course unless someone somewhere is holding out on us, so the act of jumping is to defy our nature and attempt something beyond or normal realm of actions. So why do we do it, it really doesn’t allow us to do more, the odd time it does allow us to reach something (which I will alliterate on later) or to make a long journey around shorter. Yet really when you think about it jumping only serves us when we dare to reach for something beyond our norms.

So the quote I am using now is “Sometimes we have to jump and hope to god we can fly” I cannot remember where I heard it from or if I just made it up. Either way I have always taken it to mean that you have to make a leap of faith against your norm against what you know will happen. Each and every time we jump we try to fly just a little bit, when we were younger you could fly anywhere by jumping and you always had to jump to fly. So obviously what I’m ranting about is this quote referring to doing something that you have to act on faith getting done rather then it being a sure thing, because if we don’t fly well we crash, and the bigger the leap the bigger the potential fall.

So why do it?
Why risk it at all.

Why, because we want to achieve what we can see around us but cannot do. Like flying. Yet I’m not entirely convinced by my own statement because I think its not the flying but the falling bit that gets us the most, the part we cannot control, like when we fly sure its new and wonderful and amazing, but that falling that control of nothing. That falling that free fall shows us that as much as we control our lives there are things beyond our control and all we can do is feel them at work.

So why Fly. Because I feel that as much as we enjoy the fall we want to do the impossible, falling is something everything in the world does, it all comes down, but that defying the end, the climb back to the top to fall again with that same feeling and repeat, that says something that says look here it is, look at it in glory.

So what they hell am I talking about….

relationships, love, anything like that.

Jumping trying to make something work, we do it all the time with a loved one, a new person, a friend anyone we meet, because it’s outside our norm, when you stop jumping stop reaching to do that for a person to form that connection then it all falls away.
That falling is what we long for, that feeling of being out of control about how we feel that no matter what we could have done it is still there that action that just goes without our notice or our acknowledgement that it can happen. We want that feeling to continue.
So we hope to Fly, because if you watch any bird fly the work to get high and then glide and let the world take over, they let that higher power act on them and just sail with it. If we can do that if whomever you are with can put the effort to climb some steps to get high enough to fall and let it go with what you want and then start it all over again, then well that’s why we Jump.

So Should I jump? Logic says no, we fall when we jump and we don’t fly. Past experiences says much the same, sure I might glide longer but I haven’t really every had someone work with me to climb back to the top, to work it over and over again and enjoy that feeling that comes from the times we let the higher powers work. So should I? No I shouldn’t….But I will anyway.

So here I am jumping hoping you jump too. Let’s see if we can fly.

The Wind carries us to rest our weary wings and let us know the world will carry us awhile

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It Falls away

The way
You seem so unaffected by the end
And have since then treated me
Left to question
Everything there is.

I have no more love to bleed
And it’s killing me
I have tried my best
To let you be,
But I wish
You would show some sign
That you’re missing me.

I guess it was foolish to think
That you still care about me;
I am the sap
Who everyone drains upon,

You lied to save me
From the line
“I don’t love me anymore”.

This whole mess has left me
Wishing I was never here
Wanting leave the marks
To prove that I do exist.

I still believe in all we said
And hold it true,
I just hate the fact
That I still love you,
Because you have shown no proof
Tell what you did this for.

I wish you well
I sit my heart to wait
With a grain of hope
That we meet again.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Who I show the world is not who I am currently, I hide behind false smiles, and hollow laughter... I am reeling to reset and find where you are to me.


Just my drunken ranting lyrics

The first night after you're release,
no one expects you to get much sleep
you're the waking, walking dead
In my case I'm not much better
walk to the kitchen and grab a marker
trace the path the blood will flow
the lines I wear around my wrist
are there to prove that I exist
Tomorrow, it will be easier to forgive myself
and remember her without a guilty head
these nightmare lines, an empty heart
we take for granted all the things that make us who we are
get up, get dressed, go to work, they all know who you are
they cant believe you'd show up here, but that's just who they are
set up shop at your machine, calibrate and remember who you are

here lies clarity in a perfect grave comprised of perfect steel
the perfect blade, was a perfect white
against the perfect lines, from last perfect night
I'm the perfect picture of complacency
and that's all I feel
slow motion replaces real time
as the horror fills their eyes
these claws will never kill again
the lines i wear around my wrist
are there to prove that i exist
the lines i wear around my wrist
I am a monster, clothed in crimson sleeves
and perforated lines where my wrists should be
A warehouse full of workers scramble like a pack of bewildered wolves
as my world turns black... and i fall.

Boys Night Out - Trainwreck - Purging

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Paranoia Snap Shot

Paranoia is condemning me
Recreating my insanity
To an enigmatical mind

I need your articulation
Not an annotation
To what dwells in your mind