The Reality of Heros

Don't think I didn't see
Without your rose coloured glass
Can you touch me?
Through all these lies
That you've been conceived
On a promise of broken dreams

Shed tears to no one's sight
I've paid my dues above their price
What's my cost to you?
That's been lost time
You've been dreaming days now
Letting reality slip you by

Still I hear you whisper
Drowning out the oceans crash
Can you save me?
Is it beyond your black night shades
Waking to a world now alive
Seems impossible to be true

You're too late now
I've already left from here
Could no one save me?
Only eyes can ever find me
walk to reality no pause reflection
I could only save myself from me

One Time too Many

Now I've been rethinking a lot about my life, and where I see it going and what I would like to do with it, that's part of the reason I came to Japan. Certain things have thus far remained the same, such as teaching, I can still see myself as being a teacher when all of this is done. However where...that has changed, I always thought I would settle down into an area much like what grew up in, hopefully not Orillia itself but a small community much like it. Yet talking to the people here, hearing their experience and knowing the friends I have made in the course of the past four years of university it seems now that I am much more likely to be the transient teacher, possibly bounding from one place to another, never really staying that long, just enough to grow as a person, meet friends, and influence lives just a little. Whether this is in Canada or whatever country I choose or this is a global endeavour has yet to reveal itself to me. I am in no way making this a plan of mine, as I decided in the summer, plans are never going to work for me, and direction and ideals are much more in tune with who I am. I would rather see the epitome of who I am and where I am going and head that way, and have no course of how exactly I am going to get there, then have a set route that while may be flexible has been marks. I have made many a plan and had all but a few falls apart and lead not to a higher point but rather the same start three doors down, well no more.

I am and always will be a sucker for happy ending, where good triumphs over evil all that jazz. Yet I am also a creature of my past and I have seen what wanting the story book life has brought me, where I have found myself at the end of each chapter, yes I am only on chapter 23 of a 90 chapter book (unless of course the sharks get me) but I have worm my heart on my sleeve and let all who wished see and take a chance with it, some by no fault of their own desire to cause harm have now seemingly damaged it beyond my own restoration point. Any who knows me, know that I am ever the hopeless romantic, yet strangely here, I am not concerned with anything that use to overwhelm me, I find myself distant to the notions that use to spur my words, and imagination, now I find myself dragging my heels and asking myself why Bother. I have of course been known to change when I think a girl might fancy me, but now, my mind seems determined to keep my heart under Ice. One cannot predict the future or what or who may come into your life at what point, but for this I am taking it as a sign that it is time to abandon the idealist notion of I will win in the end. I do not mean to say I will lose, no, I think now that my course is on a new path, that will leave me far stronger and less dependent on seeking that which only has led to me being unable see beyond what I've chasing and find what is really out there.

Trying new things has been something I have spent the past couple of years altering in my life, and being here while being a drastic change, is not the end: Surfing, Hula Dancing (yeah that's right guys version is pretty different then grass skirts), Free diving, and I have only been here for a short time, that list will grow as my time here does too. Life has yet to adapt really, I am constantly meeting new people, most of them fellow teachers, some of them friends of theirs, but I am instantly welcomed, the company has made sure that I am well looked after, not only the company but the teachers within, they have a genuine interest in getting to know me, it really is like a big family. I am going make the best of my time here, and use the isolation...yes isolation of Ishinomaki I am in the boonies of Japan, though my city rivals Waterloo, to keep focusing on my inner self as well my outer self, because come on lets face it I have access to some of the best natural terrain as well as a good quality gym...with no scholarly distractions and only my job to keep my mind sharp, one can only look inward and harden the out.

Regret is something that we all have and I have my own fair of it, I have been thinking of things I wish I had done differently, while this could make an entry look like a mini novel if I went through each of them or some of the ones that delve into matters of the heart, which is only a twisted map. I have given some real thought into some of my friendships I formed in the later time of my University career. How I wish I had more time to get to know them just that little better, get to know my brothers just a little more and be more active with those I put around myself. Even those whom I have known for many years I wish I had more time with, because while I know them so well I am just seeing new people begin to emerge from the shells we grew up in. I want more time to dig into those around me, because I am finding myself admire those people more and more. Regret shows us what we could have been focusing on in that time we had. I will not let it rule me, or so I hope...but one cannot help to see what we might have missed.

I have started beginning truly beginning a new chapter in my life, trying to look at things from beyond not only the rose coloured glasses but also dark shades of past pain. Yeah, I may never be friendly or have stunning friendships with all those whom may have caused foul in the past, but I can no longer be bothered with past infractions, they take too much time to sort out. I may still hold some judgment on these people, but I can no longer afford to keep affairs in order. Those who want to slip beyond me, and leave the past where it is, I will no longer try to keep in the present those who want to leave the it all in the past, nor will I hold those at bay who genuinely want my friendship or whatever I have to offer. It is now time for me to start moving on with life and not worrying about keeping my past in check. The past is without question important to me, it has shaped me, made me, but it is if anything nothing more than that; the start. The Past is Prologue; it is time to start the real story.

Life has a funny way of keeping you on your toes and always moving, mine is no exception.

The winds will move you as they wish; move with or fight against.

Cell phones, New Years and First Friend

So for anyone who knew me during my days at university knew how apposed I was to getting a cell phone at any point, even when my presence at home became something more of a myth then a reality, well not two months into my stay into Japan and I am already booked into a Cell phone. Mind you I do need it for work as well as social aspects and the price plans make anything in Canada look foolish. The most basic plan is 980Yen plus the cost of the phone per month. So for me, that would be about 1340Yen a month, meaning about 13 bucks a month, and that痴 with free anytime calling to other users of the same company. I opted for a little better plan, which doubles the cost per month but allows me to get free smail, as well as cuts the cost in half for calls from other plans. But all in all for the 23 a month I知 paying, it's a pretty good deal if you ask me.

Getting my cell phone was an adventure I embarked on my own accord, and I am glad I did. Trying to explain what plan I wanted and didn稚 want I came across the same old problem I am always facing here. Language, however right beside me was a guy about my age, who all the sudden spoke up in perfect English, well okay not perfect, but pretty damn good compared to my attempts at Japanese. Turns out he studied English in LA, and is studying University in Tokyo, he痴 just back home for the holidays. He helped get everything sorted out, explained things, then while I had to wait for everything to get prepared and settled he and I went to an arcade, played a couple games one air hockey, they love it here, but well skills are lacking, and then a shooter game, that was fun , ha, anyway we got my phone he got my number and since have been trying to figure out something to do, as well he has been telling me things about Japanese culture during the holidays in smaller areas. Nozomi is the first Japanese friend I have made since I致e come here. It痴 taken awhile but hopefully this is just the start.

New years was originally going to be In Tokyo, but with everything going on here and me not sure about how to get at my money, nor wanting to leave myself short changed for the rest of the month, which I won稚 be paid for until the end of it. So now my plans are to stay here and celebrate it by myself. This will be a far change to the past few years, where I have either had my family around me, for the last four years, well I致e had a girl to kiss on the strike of the new year...but this year...things will be anything but the past norm, yet then again, I guess I really am trying to get away from who I was, and make myself into something far stronger then I have ever been before, going through the holidays has taught me a lot about what I appreciate most about them, what I can do without, but mostly who I can grow to be. This New Years I have a far different resolution then I have had in the past, this is something I will keep only to myself, and let me be the one and only judge of if I am on the path for it or not. Though at the strike of New Years I looked out and upon the suggestion of Nozomi found a shrine and watched how they acted through their own prayer, then I took the nerve and participated myself, it was quite surreal to follow one or two couples moving through their traditions, looking at things that are based on traditions that reach as far back as the church back home. The final act was to ring a bell, not a small one...no this one was quite the bell...the bell is far older then the first permanent settlers setting foot in the United States or Canada. That was the adventure to act in a tradition that far outweighs what most of my friends were doing back home...well back home in another 13 hours or so. The walk home allowed for reflection of what I had hoped for, for everything I have mentioned already, and then to hear the rings of the bell on the river echo through the crisp night air.

The nights have started to become very cold, and at times like now I can even see my breath as I sit and write, or just read, but I am bundled up quite warmly and if they do become increasing unbearable I will find some means of keeping warm, but for now I am determined to keep my heater off as I know it is not very efficient and costs a lot of electricity to use. It痴 for the first time I am starting to miss central heating back home. I have determined that when I get a house I shall want a proper fireplace or woodstove to help heat, plus the natural light and ambient it gives would be welcomed. Yet, for now I will wear layers of clothes and look to the summer where I am to told it is the opposite, I suspect then you will find a section much like this talking of unbearable heat...till then I keep those thoughts in mind.

Letters home are hard to write, to put into words things that are different, writing to family has been the hardest mostly because they know me the best they are the most up to date about what is going on here, and are always asking things. Once I figure out how to mail the stuff I got for gifts as well as all the letters I have to send out, they値l be on their way.

For now it is still quite the lonesome existence, but I am working hard on my studies on language as well as diving into my own self.

Even a Gail wind starts as a summer breeze