Paranoia Snap Shot

Paranoia is condemning me
Recreating my insanity
To an enigmatical mind

I need your articulation
Not an annotation
To what dwells in your mind

Second

I come second
For the world to notice
Whatever I am
You always show this

I want number one
I try with might
But whatever it takes
I lose that fight

I grow accustomed
Sitting in the shadows
I think of it
The silence after howls

I question my sanity
Race my mediocrity
To want what I feel
All in futility

Release me from these bonds
To satisfy my thirst
End my slow drip misery
Make me your first

The End of School

Greetings all,

So this year has been a fast paced turn of events from going from my return to Canada, to finishing what looks to be the last year of my schooling period. I am set with only days left in my Bachelor of Education program left. It has fostered some great new friendships with some brilliant people form all walks and ages. I have met people who discovered new fossils, who played professional hockey to people like me and the love of traveling, it has been amazing to get to know these people, and well promote life long learning with all of us. That and we have to be only cohort in the program that goes out 2-3 times every week and doesn't get all antsy about things (well most of us).

It is insane to think that in just a few weeks I will be on my way to the real world, to finding a full time teaching position, to getting to the point which I have worked for; for so long it seems. I cannot fathom the changes that I will have yet to undergo to come into this reality and what it will mean for my life. however I am not wary of it, I embrace it and enjoy both the here and now and what I have to look forward to with it. It is something new with me, to embrace all things and take it as they come.

I think it's kind of appropriate that it's during the Olympics that I write this because of how these athletes compete, however I think the greatest source of inspiration has been the Micheal J Fox Video It's Our Game simply because of how the acts on the ice, knowing his sickness and his words about the game, like its hockey, a game that we all love and moves all Canadians young, old, stars, to everyone else and that it gives hope and limits no one no matter who they are. I know I don't really write how my mind sees it, but the few times I have have given me goose bumps.

Life is a series of never ending chapters of a choose your own adventure that blend together, and really its up to you to decide when you want to open the next, and when you want to close the last, so choose your adventure and be thoughtful of your actions but appreciate where they have you go.

Oh and one last thing. that letter worked, muhahaha

Sean

Unsent Letter

*******,

It is suiting that I am writing the original copy of this letter that you will never knowingly read now from a place where we conversed, worked and became friends. It is weird to stand here now and think that this place which holds such importance to our meeting will never again hold us in the same capacity; yet such is life a collection of markers of things that we have passed. I now look back on how it has come to get to this point and the events that unfolded to create this infatuation I now have with you. I look at how easy it was to get to know you, to talk about things beside the mundane weather or how much one had to drink, how I got to know the tip of your iceberg, how I got to see what lay beneath your stunning exterior and see the beauty of your inner self. I found it easier to talk to you then I found to talk to anyone in a long time, I never felt threatened or that you would judge me, yet there was always a sense of tension I could feel as if there was something just laying beneath, but alas I am a coward and am writing this to no one and may never try to cross that line and break that tension. To be honest I am afraid and shy on acting on what I feel in fear of the many "What if's" that could occur, as well as the simple fact that if I do act and it fails the friendship will dissolve and I have nothing to show for it, as well I am respectful of your comments and took to heart the fact you do not wish to be involved in the Drama of a relationship at the moment and thought not to act upon it based on that, but rather develop a stronger base of friendship to not only test those waters of "What if" but also if nothing else become a better friend. I know I care about you, and wish to try, but for now I am a coward trying to slowly act in a game I am to unsure to play and by what rules to follow. If by chance you read this, and you do, please please help a thick headed guy out and let me know, till then I will work on my courage and maybe one day act. Take care

Sean

Relationships

Now this word is bigger than most people give it, I would even go as far as saying that this is one of the most important words in our language simply because of how much it includes. With this single word, we group, love, family, friends, co-workers, enemies and strangers. And that is on the personal level, this word also reaches beyond our own sphere of control into the large world of economics, politics and pretty much any facet of human life or thinking. With so much being on this word how is it then that we take it so lightly, or it is so complicated to understand, considering how much we use it without really ever using the word, as we might think.

For the time being I am not going to reach outside of my own sphere of influence and look at just how important this word and concept is to my own life without going in specifics.

Strangers do have a relationship with us, as they are merely people whom we have not formed any sort of bond with or put a title beside, yet they do affect our lives and our relationship with them, simply based on how they act as an outside party, if they are kind, we may remember and try to develop a positive bond with them in the future, yet if they are cruel, we may label with another, yet even if they act as a third party, and we never really meet we may still put them into some group or create some sort of relationship with them based upon those actions before ever coming face to face with them. My example would be either the “set-up” where on a date your friend has told you story after story of this person and you has formed this image of what these stories entail and what the really mean or thus you create relationship with the person in these stories, and then try to relate them to the stranger. Thus you have two new relationships there, the one between you and this person, and also between the stories and this person. They should go to together if the person is constant all the time, but again we are human and sometimes what we see with other people is in flux based upon with present relationships we are dealing with. (For you girls/guys the example of different with friends then with me)

Enemies are in much the same light we hold this point of view over them simply based upon actions and we keep a relationship with them that is guarded, secret, and often at times ripe with mal intent. Yet however you want to look at it, this relationship or title was based upon a previous relationship in which deeds were done that caused some sort of pain to one party and it had then escalated from there. It is important to note that often times these relationships are not open, we may think we are, but our words as stated in a previous entry are not always as concise as we may think, and one person may not understand our comments, so this relationship can be really one sided. As the saying once goes, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

Family is in its own right a set of unique relationships. Now when one thinks of family we often think of the simple unit, that typical center of love and support that we can always rely on. Yet how many of us have that easy set of rules to follow with family, when we look at it like this, all we tend to see is brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and all those people in our larger family unit. Least we get into those relationships amongst older and younger relationships within each of these, each set comes with its own rule based upon ourselves and those relationships tend to be ripe with their own guide lines and not in the set manner that the traditional view of family may be. Of course we may turn to family and become that support bubble when needed, but on that day to day structure there are many other issues we face and these relationships are infantile more complex than we may at first like to believe, with a sibling, wonder how much you are completely open with them about your life, or how much you wish to include them, with your parents how much do they know about your day to day adventures, or so forth, how often do you contact extended family, each new family member creates a new relationship, it is one of the more complex relationships we can have simply because they are “family” and that puts a certain temperance on what kind of relationship we are supposed to have with them.

Friendship is one of the most basic, yet categorized groupings of relationships most of us have, simply because of how we associate people, if you doubt me, look at your MSN list and see just how you’ve grouped your friends, or the next time you introduce someone, look at how you associate them, you would be so surprised at how these associations put conditions and levels of intimacy on these relationships, if they are a friend from college then well most likely they know what kind of student and possibly drinker you are, if they are friends from work, they know of the stories and your own work ethic, if they are from sports they know what kind of person you are at this level as well, and the longer you are friends with someone the more them seem to branch out and know what kind of person you are in other areas and thus create a new relationship with you. Then you get into friends that are close or just “acquaintances” or whatever title you gave them, those with whom you are just a social tie too and they are never really let into your own world your own mind. Then look at each category of friends you have and see how many of these groupings can be divided by the close or social friend groups. You have so many sets of relationships with so many people that it seems impossible to keep all your rules set, but for some reason we are able to; though on occasion we forget a rule and then that relationship changes and we create or reset the rules. It is kind of funny when you think of how people remember being friends as little children and asking “Will you be my friend?” Who knew that question would have so many different meanings.

And now we have our most common use of the word which is the relationship we associate with love. Even this one is not as simple (and that is saying something) as we might think it is. In my mind there are three distinct groupings that this kind of relationship can fall into; past, present and future. Now the past grouping well that is not as simple as one thinks, because no matter what occurred in the relationships demise, at one point you were happy with the person otherwise a relationship of this nature would have never formed, and when it’s over, you tend to look back on it with a new light, but given time, you may miss aspects of that relationship, more likely when you are not in one, and you remember the good times, and what it felt like to be in that place where you felt good about it. That longing for that relationship says something, mostly I find that you are ready to try again, and maybe you miss the better parts and it’s time to let go of that pain or resentment or whatever negative feeling you harbour to that person. Those relationships that you are in now, are so complex in how you handle them it is impossible for me to even begin to get around some of those feelings, thoughts, worries and everything else that goes in, though, the best advice I can give myself and thus you; enjoy. Simply enjoy it for life is a series of comings and goings and really you can’t tell what will happen tomorrow so find happiness with that person today, and remember that this person was at one time a stranger, and then maybe a friend and now they are supposed to have this intimate knowledge of you, so do not be guarded but be honest with them and yourself because at the end of the day really that is all we have with them. And lastly the future relationships, these for me are the most terrifying to deal with, mostly because that are not known there is no real way to know if they will come to be, or what will come of them, but they also follow the same rule, when you try to become a couple or when you try to date, be honest, and be in the moment, trying to get to a point beyond the now is futile and will never lead you anywhere, so it’s in your own best interest to be in the now so that you can enjoy that time, but I understand it is hard, yet those relationships require the most to foster, so take your time. Be patient and perhaps that future will become the current.

In our lives we may have hundreds of thousands if not millions of relationships we develop, foster, grow, maintain and let go (if possible) and it’s important to take each one with due consideration and understand to which nature you find that relation to be. If things do not seem content, find out why and work to correct this, the outcome is on you to understand just where you put these people and perhaps where they put you. It is at that point can we understand and appreciate the value of these relationships for what they bring into your life.

The wind has a unique relation with all it comes to

History has been made - Now the test really begins

Okay so the United States has not just elected its first Black President. That is amazing considering no more then 60 years ago, the oppression and segregation that this minority faced, to have changed so quickly is nothing short of astonishing, and now they have shown that there is no limit to their freedom of change. However while I do think in many ways Obama was the better candidate I do think his victory was a bit cheated. You are looking at a two strong points in his favor before you even look at what he stands for.

The first is he's Black, yes I know we live in a world where African Americans, or minorities should not be singled out for their skin, but facts are facts, in my life time and well any lifetime there has never been a serious contender for president who came in the form of a black minority. He is making history just by running, imagine what would happen if he didn't win. What would have been the headlines then. Skin shouldn't be a factor but then again it does strike the point of history in the making, and honestly, it is amazing to see it happen.

Secondly, he is following Bush. Bush while admittly not my top choice for all time great leaders faced a lot of issues he was ill prepared to deal with, and as such, he suffered for it, he had the lowest support on record, he was fighting a war in which people were refering to as the new Vietnam of America, and his homeland policies left one looking for reasons. If he had another Term in office, the States might have had another Tea Party and found themself british it was getting so bad. Why does this rob Obama of the credit he deserves, when history looks back on this, it will come to light that the people of the United States wanted change, and no matter what as long as he/she gave them hope, and were not republican they probably would have won. If Obama was on the other side of the political fence, then we would really have a major cause for looking at the history books. Though he did win, is it really him or just the want of change and he fit the bill.

Now don't take this the wrong way, I don't think he should not have one, politics is as much as timing as anything, and he is promising change and hope for a country desperately needing it, I think this is something that the United States needs right now, and really he is the man to bring change in.

But don't go all out yet, he just is off the blocks, he's now starting the real game. I have seen a lot of firsts in my young age, first Female Canadian Prime Minister, she didn't last long nor is she well remembered. First Female Golfer on the PGA, that also did not last long, she was great on paper, but just couldn't play with the guys, etc. The point I'm trying to raise, is these are all monumental moments in social class struggles that have started off with a happy face, but then quickly teetered off into obscurity and failure.

Obama may be the first Black President, but he still has to prove he's a good one. I have to say he has a tough job to do too. He is very inexperinced in large scale politics, only maybe spending 4 years in the real public eye, he is coming into a country which is facing a huge down turn in the economy, facing a two front war, lack of support at home, environment issues, social issues still ongoing, foreign policy with states that are proving less then cooperative on the world stage, plus the humanitarian issues. He has his work cut out for him, he may very well succeed and be one of the great Presidents the United States has ever known and really make this election that important, or he could be mediocre, or even worse. The next 4 years are the real stage we should be looking at, this made history, but what comes now, is what will enshrine it to our minds as the turning point on the road we now walk.

Congrats Obama, you have made history, you have brought change, but most importantly you have your term, now do something with it.

Now onto something else, all over facebook I saw his support causes and people putting in their tags and names that they are rooting for him, Yes I get it you want to see what happens, and I get why the US election is important as it does effect Canada. What I don't get is why I never saw this kind of rally around the Canadian election just over a month ago? Yes I get that it was much the same and people were not feeling that great about the parties, but voting is voting, and if your going to put your two cents in about their election they least you can do is pay attention to ours. How many Canadians watched the debates? How many Canadians voted, it was among the lowest turn outs in recent memory and I have to say I am disappointed in Canadians as they fail to act on the government which directly effects them. Please remember yes our leaders are a lot like those in the United States, but you do not vote for the Party leader, rather your local Member of Parliament. If you follow how the system works you should be looking at local candidates as well the leaders.

It utterly boggles my mind how people can be so interested in something that is outside their range of influence but could influence their own, but do nothing. If our government does not do what you want, don't complain, if you don't vote, you really can't say much about who is in power. The US may affect us, but it doesn't always mean a good thing, and if we don't make a strong body of government for ourself, what can we do. The next time you look south of the border for voting and what goes on, look around you too, Canadian politics matters just as much as anyone else, you never know if your not looking we could get the next Bush.

The Future

This piece has taken me the longest to write because so many comments not on my blog but to me in person have come about my perception of living for today. I am grateful for the conversations that it has generated and how even though my mindset has not been swayed it has allowed me to grow in understanding of how and why I see it. To make something clear however I need to reiterate that while I said people do move to quick I think, even in the present you have to keep moving, there is no sense of being perfectly still, but rather, a chance to look around and see what it is that surrounds you. There are many paths to tread in life, and if you are solely focused on the future you will never see more than a few. Too many people use the analogy; I cannot wait for (Blank) to be done with so I can get on with (blank/life). I have heard it from my family who are in high school, family who are working, friends in university, friends simply going through life. Yes when things are tough we want to move past them quickly, no one wants to suffer, however, if you do not look around you; you are going to miss out on life. You are going to keep on waiting for it to start never really seeing that there will always be another hurtle to climb over and that it’s the challenge that is life, not the hereafter. We only have one shot at this for all we know, so why are we waiting for something to come. If you do not have time, you only do not because you do not take time.

The future is uncertain, yes small things we can foresee and plan for, but the grand scheme, our reason for being is not revealed to us, so why are we as humans so concerned with it. Yes you have to look for future generations and I see that more in parents than anywhere else. We want you to have better than we did; each generation is faced with new challenge and different consequences for their actions. My and your generation are no different. We must all try to make a difference in our world not only for us but for those to come. Yet, we cannot say that when I get here I shall start this. I live in Japan, yes, I am living day to day, and I have my challenges and my joys. But this is life; I do not pretend that this is merely a stopping point before something else. Anything could happen whilst I am here. We do not know tomorrow, and even as best we prepare for it, we in truth are utterly not ready. A business makes a 25 year plan, but also a ten year, a five year and a yearly plan, each year it is adapted and changed, they have a goal that they still reach, but rarely do they obtain their original goal because as event occur their goal changes, but if you focus so readily on that goal, that future, you can in fact miss those changes that occur, and then when you get there, what it is, is not what it was, and you have moved nowhere.

I see the future as something you look forward too, not race too. Someone made the analogy of a gold fish in the fish bowl about the present, saying if we were to live for today, then we never will go very far. Yes that can be true, if you do not learn from the past, A goldfish does not know better because it does not remember what came before and why is should keep moving. However, like the race horse which wears blinders and only sees the end, it does not see the other horses, those around it, the grass, the lake, the stands, it only sees forward…if you act through life like that, you will reach the end, but it will be short, it will be empty and whatever it is you find at the end will be hallow.

Time is relative, it is not a linear object, and we know the future is coming, and the past is going, and where we stand today we will not stand tomorrow or yesterday. So why is it that we see the future as something that we must fear and best prepare for so not to get left behind, when we already are behind. Just think that though I write this now I write from your tomorrow, I live in your future, and you live in my past, but we stand in the same spot. The present. I look to the future, I do not plan for it, I set things I wish to follow, and follow, but the world and the future cannot be predicted, so I will not try to have a divine sense of foreseeing the best way. I look at where I stand today, where I could go tomorrow and where I have been. The future, is not the end of the equation, it is part of it, you must not think of it as a goal, or an end point, because, when you get there…then what? You still have to go on living.

The future is of the utmost importance, which is why it is something we cannot touch, only look too, but if you race to it, you will miss out on the paths needed to get there in a manner so you understand what it is you find.

Look ahead, but do not forget to see where it is you are, and where you have come from, because untimely where we go, where we are is where we have come from.

The wind does not know its future, letting only nature guide it.