Now I've been rethinking a lot about my life, and where I see it going and what I would like to do with it, that's part of the reason I came to Japan. Certain things have thus far remained the same, such as teaching, I can still see myself as being a teacher when all of this is done. However where...that has changed, I always thought I would settle down into an area much like what grew up in, hopefully not Orillia itself but a small community much like it. Yet talking to the people here, hearing their experience and knowing the friends I have made in the course of the past four years of university it seems now that I am much more likely to be the transient teacher, possibly bounding from one place to another, never really staying that long, just enough to grow as a person, meet friends, and influence lives just a little. Whether this is in Canada or whatever country I choose or this is a global endeavour has yet to reveal itself to me. I am in no way making this a plan of mine, as I decided in the summer, plans are never going to work for me, and direction and ideals are much more in tune with who I am. I would rather see the epitome of who I am and where I am going and head that way, and have no course of how exactly I am going to get there, then have a set route that while may be flexible has been marks. I have made many a plan and had all but a few falls apart and lead not to a higher point but rather the same start three doors down, well no more.
I am and always will be a sucker for happy ending, where good triumphs over evil all that jazz. Yet I am also a creature of my past and I have seen what wanting the story book life has brought me, where I have found myself at the end of each chapter, yes I am only on chapter 23 of a 90 chapter book (unless of course the sharks get me) but I have worm my heart on my sleeve and let all who wished see and take a chance with it, some by no fault of their own desire to cause harm have now seemingly damaged it beyond my own restoration point. Any who knows me, know that I am ever the hopeless romantic, yet strangely here, I am not concerned with anything that use to overwhelm me, I find myself distant to the notions that use to spur my words, and imagination, now I find myself dragging my heels and asking myself why Bother. I have of course been known to change when I think a girl might fancy me, but now, my mind seems determined to keep my heart under Ice. One cannot predict the future or what or who may come into your life at what point, but for this I am taking it as a sign that it is time to abandon the idealist notion of I will win in the end. I do not mean to say I will lose, no, I think now that my course is on a new path, that will leave me far stronger and less dependent on seeking that which only has led to me being unable see beyond what I've chasing and find what is really out there.
Trying new things has been something I have spent the past couple of years altering in my life, and being here while being a drastic change, is not the end: Surfing, Hula Dancing (yeah that's right guys version is pretty different then grass skirts), Free diving, and I have only been here for a short time, that list will grow as my time here does too. Life has yet to adapt really, I am constantly meeting new people, most of them fellow teachers, some of them friends of theirs, but I am instantly welcomed, the company has made sure that I am well looked after, not only the company but the teachers within, they have a genuine interest in getting to know me, it really is like a big family. I am going make the best of my time here, and use the isolation...yes isolation of Ishinomaki I am in the boonies of Japan, though my city rivals Waterloo, to keep focusing on my inner self as well my outer self, because come on lets face it I have access to some of the best natural terrain as well as a good quality gym...with no scholarly distractions and only my job to keep my mind sharp, one can only look inward and harden the out.
Regret is something that we all have and I have my own fair of it, I have been thinking of things I wish I had done differently, while this could make an entry look like a mini novel if I went through each of them or some of the ones that delve into matters of the heart, which is only a twisted map. I have given some real thought into some of my friendships I formed in the later time of my University career. How I wish I had more time to get to know them just that little better, get to know my brothers just a little more and be more active with those I put around myself. Even those whom I have known for many years I wish I had more time with, because while I know them so well I am just seeing new people begin to emerge from the shells we grew up in. I want more time to dig into those around me, because I am finding myself admire those people more and more. Regret shows us what we could have been focusing on in that time we had. I will not let it rule me, or so I hope...but one cannot help to see what we might have missed.
I have started beginning truly beginning a new chapter in my life, trying to look at things from beyond not only the rose coloured glasses but also dark shades of past pain. Yeah, I may never be friendly or have stunning friendships with all those whom may have caused foul in the past, but I can no longer be bothered with past infractions, they take too much time to sort out. I may still hold some judgment on these people, but I can no longer afford to keep affairs in order. Those who want to slip beyond me, and leave the past where it is, I will no longer try to keep in the present those who want to leave the it all in the past, nor will I hold those at bay who genuinely want my friendship or whatever I have to offer. It is now time for me to start moving on with life and not worrying about keeping my past in check. The past is without question important to me, it has shaped me, made me, but it is if anything nothing more than that; the start. The Past is Prologue; it is time to start the real story.
Life has a funny way of keeping you on your toes and always moving, mine is no exception.
The winds will move you as they wish; move with or fight against.
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