History has been made - Now the test really begins

Okay so the United States has not just elected its first Black President. That is amazing considering no more then 60 years ago, the oppression and segregation that this minority faced, to have changed so quickly is nothing short of astonishing, and now they have shown that there is no limit to their freedom of change. However while I do think in many ways Obama was the better candidate I do think his victory was a bit cheated. You are looking at a two strong points in his favor before you even look at what he stands for.

The first is he's Black, yes I know we live in a world where African Americans, or minorities should not be singled out for their skin, but facts are facts, in my life time and well any lifetime there has never been a serious contender for president who came in the form of a black minority. He is making history just by running, imagine what would happen if he didn't win. What would have been the headlines then. Skin shouldn't be a factor but then again it does strike the point of history in the making, and honestly, it is amazing to see it happen.

Secondly, he is following Bush. Bush while admittly not my top choice for all time great leaders faced a lot of issues he was ill prepared to deal with, and as such, he suffered for it, he had the lowest support on record, he was fighting a war in which people were refering to as the new Vietnam of America, and his homeland policies left one looking for reasons. If he had another Term in office, the States might have had another Tea Party and found themself british it was getting so bad. Why does this rob Obama of the credit he deserves, when history looks back on this, it will come to light that the people of the United States wanted change, and no matter what as long as he/she gave them hope, and were not republican they probably would have won. If Obama was on the other side of the political fence, then we would really have a major cause for looking at the history books. Though he did win, is it really him or just the want of change and he fit the bill.

Now don't take this the wrong way, I don't think he should not have one, politics is as much as timing as anything, and he is promising change and hope for a country desperately needing it, I think this is something that the United States needs right now, and really he is the man to bring change in.

But don't go all out yet, he just is off the blocks, he's now starting the real game. I have seen a lot of firsts in my young age, first Female Canadian Prime Minister, she didn't last long nor is she well remembered. First Female Golfer on the PGA, that also did not last long, she was great on paper, but just couldn't play with the guys, etc. The point I'm trying to raise, is these are all monumental moments in social class struggles that have started off with a happy face, but then quickly teetered off into obscurity and failure.

Obama may be the first Black President, but he still has to prove he's a good one. I have to say he has a tough job to do too. He is very inexperinced in large scale politics, only maybe spending 4 years in the real public eye, he is coming into a country which is facing a huge down turn in the economy, facing a two front war, lack of support at home, environment issues, social issues still ongoing, foreign policy with states that are proving less then cooperative on the world stage, plus the humanitarian issues. He has his work cut out for him, he may very well succeed and be one of the great Presidents the United States has ever known and really make this election that important, or he could be mediocre, or even worse. The next 4 years are the real stage we should be looking at, this made history, but what comes now, is what will enshrine it to our minds as the turning point on the road we now walk.

Congrats Obama, you have made history, you have brought change, but most importantly you have your term, now do something with it.

Now onto something else, all over facebook I saw his support causes and people putting in their tags and names that they are rooting for him, Yes I get it you want to see what happens, and I get why the US election is important as it does effect Canada. What I don't get is why I never saw this kind of rally around the Canadian election just over a month ago? Yes I get that it was much the same and people were not feeling that great about the parties, but voting is voting, and if your going to put your two cents in about their election they least you can do is pay attention to ours. How many Canadians watched the debates? How many Canadians voted, it was among the lowest turn outs in recent memory and I have to say I am disappointed in Canadians as they fail to act on the government which directly effects them. Please remember yes our leaders are a lot like those in the United States, but you do not vote for the Party leader, rather your local Member of Parliament. If you follow how the system works you should be looking at local candidates as well the leaders.

It utterly boggles my mind how people can be so interested in something that is outside their range of influence but could influence their own, but do nothing. If our government does not do what you want, don't complain, if you don't vote, you really can't say much about who is in power. The US may affect us, but it doesn't always mean a good thing, and if we don't make a strong body of government for ourself, what can we do. The next time you look south of the border for voting and what goes on, look around you too, Canadian politics matters just as much as anyone else, you never know if your not looking we could get the next Bush.

The Future

This piece has taken me the longest to write because so many comments not on my blog but to me in person have come about my perception of living for today. I am grateful for the conversations that it has generated and how even though my mindset has not been swayed it has allowed me to grow in understanding of how and why I see it. To make something clear however I need to reiterate that while I said people do move to quick I think, even in the present you have to keep moving, there is no sense of being perfectly still, but rather, a chance to look around and see what it is that surrounds you. There are many paths to tread in life, and if you are solely focused on the future you will never see more than a few. Too many people use the analogy; I cannot wait for (Blank) to be done with so I can get on with (blank/life). I have heard it from my family who are in high school, family who are working, friends in university, friends simply going through life. Yes when things are tough we want to move past them quickly, no one wants to suffer, however, if you do not look around you; you are going to miss out on life. You are going to keep on waiting for it to start never really seeing that there will always be another hurtle to climb over and that it’s the challenge that is life, not the hereafter. We only have one shot at this for all we know, so why are we waiting for something to come. If you do not have time, you only do not because you do not take time.

The future is uncertain, yes small things we can foresee and plan for, but the grand scheme, our reason for being is not revealed to us, so why are we as humans so concerned with it. Yes you have to look for future generations and I see that more in parents than anywhere else. We want you to have better than we did; each generation is faced with new challenge and different consequences for their actions. My and your generation are no different. We must all try to make a difference in our world not only for us but for those to come. Yet, we cannot say that when I get here I shall start this. I live in Japan, yes, I am living day to day, and I have my challenges and my joys. But this is life; I do not pretend that this is merely a stopping point before something else. Anything could happen whilst I am here. We do not know tomorrow, and even as best we prepare for it, we in truth are utterly not ready. A business makes a 25 year plan, but also a ten year, a five year and a yearly plan, each year it is adapted and changed, they have a goal that they still reach, but rarely do they obtain their original goal because as event occur their goal changes, but if you focus so readily on that goal, that future, you can in fact miss those changes that occur, and then when you get there, what it is, is not what it was, and you have moved nowhere.

I see the future as something you look forward too, not race too. Someone made the analogy of a gold fish in the fish bowl about the present, saying if we were to live for today, then we never will go very far. Yes that can be true, if you do not learn from the past, A goldfish does not know better because it does not remember what came before and why is should keep moving. However, like the race horse which wears blinders and only sees the end, it does not see the other horses, those around it, the grass, the lake, the stands, it only sees forward…if you act through life like that, you will reach the end, but it will be short, it will be empty and whatever it is you find at the end will be hallow.

Time is relative, it is not a linear object, and we know the future is coming, and the past is going, and where we stand today we will not stand tomorrow or yesterday. So why is it that we see the future as something that we must fear and best prepare for so not to get left behind, when we already are behind. Just think that though I write this now I write from your tomorrow, I live in your future, and you live in my past, but we stand in the same spot. The present. I look to the future, I do not plan for it, I set things I wish to follow, and follow, but the world and the future cannot be predicted, so I will not try to have a divine sense of foreseeing the best way. I look at where I stand today, where I could go tomorrow and where I have been. The future, is not the end of the equation, it is part of it, you must not think of it as a goal, or an end point, because, when you get there…then what? You still have to go on living.

The future is of the utmost importance, which is why it is something we cannot touch, only look too, but if you race to it, you will miss out on the paths needed to get there in a manner so you understand what it is you find.

Look ahead, but do not forget to see where it is you are, and where you have come from, because untimely where we go, where we are is where we have come from.

The wind does not know its future, letting only nature guide it.

The Present

Much like most of us tend to ignore the past and push it away as if it is an anchor weighing us down, we all seem to lose touch with the here and now and forget that this is living right now, this very spot.

I don’t mean to pick on my parents, but sometimes parental guidance is the classic example of forgetting the here and now. I do not mean that they have forgotten what it’s like to be my age, or go through what I have, no I think they no clearly what it is, but they like all parents have their wisdom from these times and want you to realize that there is more to life after this. I can calmly remember many a time when either my Mom or Dad would use the phrase “You have to plan for the future”. Now I don’t want to give away too much into what would be my third piece on the future, but by planning for the future, sometimes we forget that here and now is all we really have. I know I have not quite taken my parents advice to heart, sometimes met with disaster, other times, a pleasant surprise; after all I am in Japan. What I mean by this is I see too many friends in University no matter what level focusing on fulfilling their ambition of getting to the next level. While I have no trouble with people reaching for the stars, cause lord help me I know I do. I just see some many things these people are missing out on. Now while others may argue they are not missing out on much, being that they have experienced them and found in the end that they did not lead anywhere, maybe that’s the point. To experience it so you know why it’s exists, even if it leads to nothing.

I see the present as how we should live, yes reach for your goals, but if you can’t experience life now, if you keep holding yourself back waiting for certain things to fall so that you can “start living” then you will have missed so much. Imagine if you will all the things that you have seen and done, on a whim, sometimes giving the best results, sometimes proving nothing more than a distraction from your present course. Now imagine if you were to sit at a lunch table listening to people converse about how they got there, their past, and how you kept putting off your present for a future ambition. Your current status would be “waiting for something better” but how long can you go waiting, without living. I mean there are people who are bound and determined to get where they need to be in order to fulfill what they see as their destiny; but what if you forget to look at the road your taking, how can you know your best course if you don’t explore a little. The past as I said brought us this far, it shaped us to look at the world around us as we see it, but maybe the present offers not only that view, but a completely new view, one that is only focused on the here and now, the moment that we have.

I don’t mean to take away from plans while I personally relied on goals rather than plans. I mean to say that people should focus on the world around them right now; they might get a better sense of how they need to get to where they want to, or if getting there is really what they want. Life is not about waiting for the perfect moments, it’s the combination of life’s imperfections jumbled into one bright and blurring memory. But how can you say you lived life without seeing this imperfections along the way, if all you have is a start and end, and no middle, it’s like any good piece of work, you need something to fill it out, and that is why we live, in the present, not the past or the future. We are here living now, only have one shot at this as far as I know, so make the best of it.

It does not do well to dwell in the past or examine the future, if you forget to live now.

The wind does not remember the past or look to the future, it knows only now

The Past

Life will always move forward, this day will turn into the next and so forth. I am left wondering often what does today mean, if in 5 days time I cannot recall what I ate, or exactly when I fell asleep, heck sometimes I would settle for what I packed or bought for lunch. The past we cannot change, and all too often forget about. I am truly trying to understand then why it is we have a memory. Look at a goldfish; it cannot for all we know remember more than 10 seconds at a time that is a creature that is truly living in the moment. So why is it that we can, that though I cannot recall all the specifics, which I can recall times that date back into the previous century, into a me, that when I see now I scarcely recognize my physical self. (Though I always can see me)

The journey is my most definitive answer to this question; we are living for the journey, to where life is taking us and where it is in fact we are going. I refer to the idea that life is one series of roads, paths, rivers and oceans that we all navigate through and find ourselves in. there is no real destination only the journey, but to travel even if it is to wander aimlessly, you have to come from somewhere.

We all too often tell ourselves and others to forget the past, leave it be, and move on. Why? Is the past such a scary concept that we cannot examine it except from a point of scholarly intent. Why it is that self reflection and remembrance is so hard. What are we scared to find, that we are not how we turned out to be? That the person we are now reflects poorly on who we were, or vice versa? I know there are things I wish I could change, regrets of actions, words, missed opportunities that I have wasted and will never get again. Yet, I am speaking to you from a foreign country, I have a loving family, friendships and companions that I know will travel my roads with me whenever possible. So yes some days I do not like what I see, some days I do not like where I have been. Yet I am always going on.

The past allows us to see where we are, can you honestly tell yourself you know why you are there right now, and NO I will not except the answer God said I should… faith has everything to do with this, but god does not make your feet walk nor your mind be wary of your actions you are mortal and thus are bound by mortal conditions. Anyway back to where you are. You are there because of your past, because of your belief in your actions or your regret from them, you are there to act or atone for something, you are their looking on the brink of your existence, looking back and saying is this it, or is there more. All our actions lead is somewhere, they all take us to some place. We cannot escape them; we cannot replay and reedit them. This is life it is going to keep going, you are human we are all going to make errors in judgement, but who is to say that error cannot lead you into a better day.

They say history is doomed to repeat itself unless we listen to its stories; people often look at this from the greater perspective of things like slavery, civil liberties and racism. Yes these are all very plausible things, and we must not let them cast a dark shadow on our world again. So why is it that we take ourselves out of this context, we often here, I always do this…or this keeps on happening, there is a reason, simply put history is repeating itself because you fail to read the story. You must see where you came to know where you are. If this is true you can’t move forward only circles till you see where you are.
No one is perfect and will walk in a straight path, but then the world is not perfect, the river never runs in a straight line, even canals built by man the water runs forward but from side to side moving and sliding. So do not expect your life to go forward in one moment to the next, allow yourself the pleasure of seeing the new oddities that come from the randomness of life. Yet as they come, see how they came, so that you know that if these come again to embrace them, or to quickly push past them. We can never tell what the future holds for us, but we can read what our past has given us. Use every story, ever road travelled to understand why you are there, it is not a question you can answer, but simply a look into who you are, you are complex, and very real.

You cannot escape your past, best learn to at least look back and acknowledge that it brought you here.

The wind is ageless constantly telling new stories of our yesterday

Why I Write

This is a partial reply to a post on my Facebook account about my lack of updates on the blog, now it’s not too pick on the person as I greatly respect both their own voice and their amazing sense of what being a friend is, but needless to say it gave me the fuel to write this.

Now originally I must confess that the idea of the blog was to write about my adventures here in Japan, I wrote a couple, but seeing as every day, almost everything has a story to it. It would be nearly impossible to write that much, or to get it in a sense so you can understand of how much in awe I am sometimes. Other times would best be reflected in how confused I must feel or alienated at times, this all plays in, and while I know my words often can strike chords with others, no words can suffice to how each thing impacts me, sometimes in a very raw and naked way.

So then I just turned to my writing, for any who know me, know that this is not uncommon, throughout university I was always known to carry a spare notebook that would be filled with lines of drabble sometimes sparking a great amount of effort, sometimes just a few short lines, others verse or rhyme of something that I had conjured up during an interesting or dull lecture. Now that tradition has not been lost I still carry a notebook everywhere I go, and write in it, for every entry to this blog, I have maybe 5 to the book. Yet I have made this blog different, because I did want it to be simply an extension of that notebook, but rather serious thought put into the entry, serious questions asked about myself. Now I have spoken that I’m not sure who reads this, but then again sometimes I don’t really care if you do or don’t because by just writing on the issues, I have forced myself to dig for an explanation into things I have often skimmed by.

So why do I write then? Well I think I write because what good does any of this thought do if not put out there for others, waiting to debate certain parts, see what can be amalgamated to other notions of life or what others can augment to my own current thoughts. Why? Simply put because I can, because I want to explore an issue, because an issue arises that I feel that I need to reflect and question why it came in the first place or the consequences of it. There are just as many reasons why I should as to why I could never seek to explain every daily adventure here. Yet, inspiration for these sometimes is hard to come by, either because I am still blind and naive to what it is I’m facing or, like most…I’m just not interested. Yet then again sometimes I have no explanations or thoughts because I am just finding this out, and coming to my own terms with it. I will write these pages eventually, but sometimes I just have no words to adequately interpret what goes on below my surface. Yet I think if you really know who I am as a writer then well you must also know who I can be as a thinker…at best of times a scatter brain…worst of times well…when I find the words that describes what goes on in my head…I’ll let you know.

Some weeks will be filled with entries, some with none, why…. Because always because I do not write just for the sake of it…I write because I want to seek and explain something to everyone to see it myself…that is why I write…not for you the reader (though I am greatly thankful; honestly some comments have led to deep insight) but for myself, to let my own voice but heard in the vast nether verse of space.

So be patient and entries will fill this…and perhaps upon our next true conversation I can share some of what I write outside of this box.

The winds move at their own pace, no one else’s.

Humility in all its glory

Humbleness

How many times in life are we told we need to be humble about victory about what we have over what others don’t things of that nature? How many times do we actually know what it is to be humble…I’m pretty sure that I don’t. Yeah I am normally not the person to point on the wrongs or my victory over something, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I knew the flaw before or expected to win in the first place…so how can I claim to know humbleness, the honest answer is I don’t think I can claim to be all that humble, though I know I have tried to be, or thought myself to be.

So how can one be humble without truly trying to be, I think if anything it is to live in that single moment and not dwell past it… if you accomplish something you should always take pride in it, because if you have no pride in your actions then why do them, because to someone else they could mean everything. After you relish in that brief moment of realization that you have in fact completed what you sought out to do, move on and look for another obstacle to overcome, and leave that behind, otherwise no matter how much one would say that they do not gloat that they offer advice to the loser they are still living in the experience. I would like to point out that if they do in fact ask you for advice or help after the fact then that is not the same…although you should be humbled…I’ll try to address that in just a moment.

To be humble is to not look back on your accomplishments but rather your flaws and seek how you are to better yourself not by acting with what you already know you can do but with what you unaware of. To constantly challenge yourself, admit defeat and struggle for success only to move to your next weakness without allowing yourself to find praise outside of yourself. That is to be humble.

To Be Humbled

I see humbleness and being humbled as almost separate entities though they both essentially remain the same principal. However to be humbled is by seeing someone dwell on something which you lay down and forgot, true humbling moments are rare few and between, these times are those upon which we should reflect to see what it was that moved us was a reflection on. These moments can manifest themselves in many ways, whether it is a person confessing their affections towards you, a relative, mentee or any even an enemy aspiring to be you, or a friend taking something you gave to them and doing something with it, that you would have never thought to be done. Watching someone else react to your previous actions or words and moving them in ways you never thought possible is quite the experience it is something we all at one point or another feel, sometimes we don’t know that we are humbled by these experiences sometimes we do, the notion of being aware is what makes the experience so intense.

I know what it is to be humbled to sit there and think…wow…really… and then have no other words, no other emotions come into focus, and no other means to express what was raging inside me. I know that its moments like these are what make life truly unique.

Humility is something we must learn to give and take, understand what is to be humble and humbled by actions of others. We all have paths in life that allow us to choose how we are to act, all too often we are too proud or do not care enough to let these moments pass without giving it proper consideration. Take the time to asses what it is you are acting on, and whether you are challenging yourself with it, and not in fact dwelling on things best left in the past, watch how people react to your being and if they move in ways never thought possible before you, remember that you are not the cause of this merely an actor and be thankful that it was you in which they found this path, no matter where it might lead.

They say the greatest feeling for a teacher is to be surpassed by the pupil…I disagree…I think it’s when the look back to you as an equally significant factor in their life, and they use you as the catalyst for their own path.

The wind never stays still to show its presences it constantly moves on

The failure of words

Why do we always believe in what we hear spoken rather then what is presented in front of us. I am not talking about lies, lies can be hide in all shapes and forms, but rather hidden messages, real intent that is often buried bellow the words we use. Think about all we know of communication, 60 percent of what we say is done in body language, another 30 in tone, so only 10 is in the words we use. I have come to the conclusion that all too often that no matter how great or verse, or diction or vocabulary is that unless you have truth and belief in what you say that words will fail you. I look at my present situation in which I am surrounded by people who cannot speak English yet somehow I have managed to not starve, get out get things done by interacting, by my intentions rather than just my words, sure language is a great tool to help express ourselves, but imagine to those who never had the vast array of words we know can draw from, trying to explain jubilation or misery, it was in their expression the manner in which they told their story. Think of the great playwrights those who have truly moved people, think of how often they used words that we read and how often then are shown and read in different contexts. Yet think of those same plays, when presented by a performer who truly believes in what he is doing, the mood and cause of the play take on a much more powerful persona. Why is it that we have so many words just to explain the same expression or gesture in so many ways, is it because they each mean a different form of it…if so why are we so keen to interchange, nor do we rely on tone as the Chinese do, we have surrounded ourselves with words to hide what we mean beneath them. Our words affect someone without directly pointing them where we wish, others perhaps we do without just a lack of faith in what we are saying. Yes it does seem quite odd that I would use a forum in which I can only write my words down, rather than speak, where it could be easily seen that I have some hidden motive…or perhaps I lack the irony of this, and this will allow me to create the paradox I see around me.

I offer a challenge take 5 words you think best describe you as a person and use them as a mean of describing yourself and your feelings…so think carefully on the words you choose. Secondly take the 5 words you use most often and remove them, and see how your meanings change, how your messages and your persona changes as they are cast out of your everyday lingo. Lastly as rethink your use of words, refer back to the age old advice of KISS (Keep it simple stupid) give no hidden meanings or double meanings in your words describe yourself wholly and without means to confuse as to what or who you are. Watch as to how those around you react.

I have taken this challenge myself while here, used simple words to describe myself removed words that often have left people pondering their double meanings, and relied on what I mean to get across rather than the words themselves…it’s an interesting result, even more so coupled with the language barrier. Perhaps the most astonishing thing is that despite the barrier, despite the removal of some of my most common phrases or antic dotes, people understand me, my moods and temperaments and in turn I have seen things I hid below my words emerge and manifest them self into my character.

Yes words fail us every day, I know this; be conscious of this, but then again be aware that sometimes they are all we have.

The winds whisper hidden thoughts...be calm and listen to them with ernest.

Greatness

I know that I will never solve world hunger, nor will I score the winning try at the RWC or become the next Paul Henderson to Canadian hockey fans, I will never be this idea of greatness, this thing that almost all children and many adults still aspire to. While I see nothing wrong aspiring to be more then you are, I think it is an awful by product of our society to correlate greatness to this idea of iconic figure heads.

Now I do not mean to tarnish what these figure heads do for the world because more people like Mother Teresa or Gandhi would never be a bad thing nor would athletes like Michael Jordan or Cal Ripken Jr. or any number of great athletes who bring new life to their craft. No my purpose is to try and illuminate what it takes to be great and how while we should always strive to best ourselves but at the same time recognize our own great works. Secondly I really do hope that this does not come off as you are all great no matter what…I want to say that you can be great…it just doesn’t have to be because you sit on top of a certain niche.

So, what is greatness then one might ask me. Well let’s look at who I said was great, and what they did. Without getting into direct examples for the sake of time and the fact I might go on a tangent into a nice history lesson of that person, which at this point in time we don’t want. Trust me on this. Did they try to act as someone had before, or tie themselves to the other great of the time, or did they strive to do something completely their own, and in essence be truly unique. Now to be unique in its own sense is greatness as you will always stand out from the next person and really in the end of it. Yet we all strive to be more, to achieve this level of greatness that we assume is what it takes to be remembered.

Now I noted that I probably won’t be doing anything great you probably know I aspire to be a teacher, in fact I do that now, and yeah its good calling but how many teachers can claim fame, yeah some get there by doing something unrelated, others get the shout out when a pupil declares that such and such teacher pushed them that extra, but then again the odds let’s be realistic. Doubtful that anyone of my kids would ever do such a thing…but even then it truly is fame and not greatness because how long can a shout out last…honestly who remembers what grade of teacher helped push Jim Carrey into a more direct path of comedy.

So what is greatness…if not to me any of these things. Well greatness I guess can be summed up as being more then you thought you could. You cannot sit back and do nothing and hope to be that great person, no, if you get out and experience life; touch it. Greatness is not measured by the grand scale of the things, but by yourself and how you view the world. Things will always change around you sometimes beyond your control, but what you can teach each day. Focus on what you can touch, lives you can touch, people who truly matter to you. An example from me just occurred today, I was told that one of my students who were on the verge of dropping English after one week with me has a whole new energy about it and is looking forward to my return. That is greatness to me, because I have given my enjoyment of teaching and learning to someone, and it has in turn I was given something in return. The simple things are what make us great.

So what is greatness…it’s what you make of it, what you do for yourself and that falls unto others.

The wind moves us all, it's how we soar that makes us great

The fine art of Conversation

We all know how to speak, we all know the power of words, and how they can influence those around us, yet in my adventures here and I guess in some way my I-Week with Sigma Chi, how our own conversation shapes us. I come to this line of thinking as in the past 7 hours while I have talked to someone online, I have not uttered a single word since my last student left the classroom. Now seven hours does not seem all that long, but let’s then take into account that I did not talk to anyone for at least 24 hours before that single hour of instruction…and then multiply that by numerous amounts of days where this really is what my routine turns out to be. I am slowly becoming a mute, or forgetting to speak…and those times I do speak, are often in a foreign language and no more than a phrase or at most a few lines. It leaves one a lot of time to wander through his thoughts, create his own conversations, ponders a lot of mundane and small things and turns them into large and important ones. While most common sense would suggest turning small issues into large ones doesn’t help your cause…yet sometimes like now, I think looking at the smaller issues is much more important than those that seem grand and noble to be thinking of. I find myself ponder the concept of self time, not spending time wisely to get things accomplished, but rather, using time to better yourself, yeah sure I could be doing so much with the free time I do have, but I spend it thinking or reading, trying to think of what I indo fact miss the most about being away from all that is familiar. As much as I pride myself on listening and trying to understand things and being careful with my words, and being a powerful orator, I do in fact miss conversations, not just those that move you, but the simple exchange of everyday of pleasantries and the company that it provides you. I know that I am not a man who can be alone and be completely comfortable. My solitude is important to me, I enjoy being able to escape into myself, but that can be done in the quiet of a room, but people I will always need people to be around me to converse with, share ideas, anything, the act of conversation is very important to me.

I know some people have been fairly regular in talking with me over MSN and for that I am truly thankful, but that can never replace seeing someone and going through the act of conversation.

Go figure that as I write this latest entry some co workers and I get into a conversation on the major languages of the worlds, where we see it going, how the use of one’s voice can imply so much more than ever seen. Not only that but body language, tone, speed, everything adds up more and more to how we communicate….think of the act of touch… how much that can tell you about someone the show of expression, any number of things. I am trying to see more and more about who I am, and I know I am a people person…not that I need people around me, otherwise I would have gone nutters already. Yet, I see more know…the way I interact with people is important to me, I take a little from them and add it to my own persona, and I try to give as much as possible…maybe that makes no sense but then again who cares, for all know no one does read this, again…conversation can never be one sided…two sides must give…otherwise…it’s just this my own monologue.

The art of conversation, everyone has their own stroke…I’m learning how mine works…what about you?

Let your words always glide gently on the winds which carrier them.

The Reality of Heros

Don't think I didn't see
Without your rose coloured glass
Can you touch me?
Through all these lies
That you've been conceived
On a promise of broken dreams

Shed tears to no one's sight
I've paid my dues above their price
What's my cost to you?
That's been lost time
You've been dreaming days now
Letting reality slip you by

Still I hear you whisper
Drowning out the oceans crash
Can you save me?
Is it beyond your black night shades
Waking to a world now alive
Seems impossible to be true

You're too late now
I've already left from here
Could no one save me?
Only eyes can ever find me
walk to reality no pause reflection
I could only save myself from me

One Time too Many

Now I've been rethinking a lot about my life, and where I see it going and what I would like to do with it, that's part of the reason I came to Japan. Certain things have thus far remained the same, such as teaching, I can still see myself as being a teacher when all of this is done. However where...that has changed, I always thought I would settle down into an area much like what grew up in, hopefully not Orillia itself but a small community much like it. Yet talking to the people here, hearing their experience and knowing the friends I have made in the course of the past four years of university it seems now that I am much more likely to be the transient teacher, possibly bounding from one place to another, never really staying that long, just enough to grow as a person, meet friends, and influence lives just a little. Whether this is in Canada or whatever country I choose or this is a global endeavour has yet to reveal itself to me. I am in no way making this a plan of mine, as I decided in the summer, plans are never going to work for me, and direction and ideals are much more in tune with who I am. I would rather see the epitome of who I am and where I am going and head that way, and have no course of how exactly I am going to get there, then have a set route that while may be flexible has been marks. I have made many a plan and had all but a few falls apart and lead not to a higher point but rather the same start three doors down, well no more.

I am and always will be a sucker for happy ending, where good triumphs over evil all that jazz. Yet I am also a creature of my past and I have seen what wanting the story book life has brought me, where I have found myself at the end of each chapter, yes I am only on chapter 23 of a 90 chapter book (unless of course the sharks get me) but I have worm my heart on my sleeve and let all who wished see and take a chance with it, some by no fault of their own desire to cause harm have now seemingly damaged it beyond my own restoration point. Any who knows me, know that I am ever the hopeless romantic, yet strangely here, I am not concerned with anything that use to overwhelm me, I find myself distant to the notions that use to spur my words, and imagination, now I find myself dragging my heels and asking myself why Bother. I have of course been known to change when I think a girl might fancy me, but now, my mind seems determined to keep my heart under Ice. One cannot predict the future or what or who may come into your life at what point, but for this I am taking it as a sign that it is time to abandon the idealist notion of I will win in the end. I do not mean to say I will lose, no, I think now that my course is on a new path, that will leave me far stronger and less dependent on seeking that which only has led to me being unable see beyond what I've chasing and find what is really out there.

Trying new things has been something I have spent the past couple of years altering in my life, and being here while being a drastic change, is not the end: Surfing, Hula Dancing (yeah that's right guys version is pretty different then grass skirts), Free diving, and I have only been here for a short time, that list will grow as my time here does too. Life has yet to adapt really, I am constantly meeting new people, most of them fellow teachers, some of them friends of theirs, but I am instantly welcomed, the company has made sure that I am well looked after, not only the company but the teachers within, they have a genuine interest in getting to know me, it really is like a big family. I am going make the best of my time here, and use the isolation...yes isolation of Ishinomaki I am in the boonies of Japan, though my city rivals Waterloo, to keep focusing on my inner self as well my outer self, because come on lets face it I have access to some of the best natural terrain as well as a good quality gym...with no scholarly distractions and only my job to keep my mind sharp, one can only look inward and harden the out.

Regret is something that we all have and I have my own fair of it, I have been thinking of things I wish I had done differently, while this could make an entry look like a mini novel if I went through each of them or some of the ones that delve into matters of the heart, which is only a twisted map. I have given some real thought into some of my friendships I formed in the later time of my University career. How I wish I had more time to get to know them just that little better, get to know my brothers just a little more and be more active with those I put around myself. Even those whom I have known for many years I wish I had more time with, because while I know them so well I am just seeing new people begin to emerge from the shells we grew up in. I want more time to dig into those around me, because I am finding myself admire those people more and more. Regret shows us what we could have been focusing on in that time we had. I will not let it rule me, or so I hope...but one cannot help to see what we might have missed.

I have started beginning truly beginning a new chapter in my life, trying to look at things from beyond not only the rose coloured glasses but also dark shades of past pain. Yeah, I may never be friendly or have stunning friendships with all those whom may have caused foul in the past, but I can no longer be bothered with past infractions, they take too much time to sort out. I may still hold some judgment on these people, but I can no longer afford to keep affairs in order. Those who want to slip beyond me, and leave the past where it is, I will no longer try to keep in the present those who want to leave the it all in the past, nor will I hold those at bay who genuinely want my friendship or whatever I have to offer. It is now time for me to start moving on with life and not worrying about keeping my past in check. The past is without question important to me, it has shaped me, made me, but it is if anything nothing more than that; the start. The Past is Prologue; it is time to start the real story.

Life has a funny way of keeping you on your toes and always moving, mine is no exception.

The winds will move you as they wish; move with or fight against.

Cell phones, New Years and First Friend

So for anyone who knew me during my days at university knew how apposed I was to getting a cell phone at any point, even when my presence at home became something more of a myth then a reality, well not two months into my stay into Japan and I am already booked into a Cell phone. Mind you I do need it for work as well as social aspects and the price plans make anything in Canada look foolish. The most basic plan is 980Yen plus the cost of the phone per month. So for me, that would be about 1340Yen a month, meaning about 13 bucks a month, and that痴 with free anytime calling to other users of the same company. I opted for a little better plan, which doubles the cost per month but allows me to get free smail, as well as cuts the cost in half for calls from other plans. But all in all for the 23 a month I知 paying, it's a pretty good deal if you ask me.

Getting my cell phone was an adventure I embarked on my own accord, and I am glad I did. Trying to explain what plan I wanted and didn稚 want I came across the same old problem I am always facing here. Language, however right beside me was a guy about my age, who all the sudden spoke up in perfect English, well okay not perfect, but pretty damn good compared to my attempts at Japanese. Turns out he studied English in LA, and is studying University in Tokyo, he痴 just back home for the holidays. He helped get everything sorted out, explained things, then while I had to wait for everything to get prepared and settled he and I went to an arcade, played a couple games one air hockey, they love it here, but well skills are lacking, and then a shooter game, that was fun , ha, anyway we got my phone he got my number and since have been trying to figure out something to do, as well he has been telling me things about Japanese culture during the holidays in smaller areas. Nozomi is the first Japanese friend I have made since I致e come here. It痴 taken awhile but hopefully this is just the start.

New years was originally going to be In Tokyo, but with everything going on here and me not sure about how to get at my money, nor wanting to leave myself short changed for the rest of the month, which I won稚 be paid for until the end of it. So now my plans are to stay here and celebrate it by myself. This will be a far change to the past few years, where I have either had my family around me, for the last four years, well I致e had a girl to kiss on the strike of the new year...but this year...things will be anything but the past norm, yet then again, I guess I really am trying to get away from who I was, and make myself into something far stronger then I have ever been before, going through the holidays has taught me a lot about what I appreciate most about them, what I can do without, but mostly who I can grow to be. This New Years I have a far different resolution then I have had in the past, this is something I will keep only to myself, and let me be the one and only judge of if I am on the path for it or not. Though at the strike of New Years I looked out and upon the suggestion of Nozomi found a shrine and watched how they acted through their own prayer, then I took the nerve and participated myself, it was quite surreal to follow one or two couples moving through their traditions, looking at things that are based on traditions that reach as far back as the church back home. The final act was to ring a bell, not a small one...no this one was quite the bell...the bell is far older then the first permanent settlers setting foot in the United States or Canada. That was the adventure to act in a tradition that far outweighs what most of my friends were doing back home...well back home in another 13 hours or so. The walk home allowed for reflection of what I had hoped for, for everything I have mentioned already, and then to hear the rings of the bell on the river echo through the crisp night air.

The nights have started to become very cold, and at times like now I can even see my breath as I sit and write, or just read, but I am bundled up quite warmly and if they do become increasing unbearable I will find some means of keeping warm, but for now I am determined to keep my heater off as I know it is not very efficient and costs a lot of electricity to use. It痴 for the first time I am starting to miss central heating back home. I have determined that when I get a house I shall want a proper fireplace or woodstove to help heat, plus the natural light and ambient it gives would be welcomed. Yet, for now I will wear layers of clothes and look to the summer where I am to told it is the opposite, I suspect then you will find a section much like this talking of unbearable heat...till then I keep those thoughts in mind.

Letters home are hard to write, to put into words things that are different, writing to family has been the hardest mostly because they know me the best they are the most up to date about what is going on here, and are always asking things. Once I figure out how to mail the stuff I got for gifts as well as all the letters I have to send out, they値l be on their way.

For now it is still quite the lonesome existence, but I am working hard on my studies on language as well as diving into my own self.

Even a Gail wind starts as a summer breeze