So, I'm now in my last days before I depart, and certain things seem to be going as well as can be expected others, well, it seems they are falling apart in no time.
Starting with what's going right, my family for the most part are closing ranks as i get ready to leave, I've been spending time with cousins talking to family members more so then I normally do, everyone giving me advice on things to do, things to take, and of course things they would like to see sent back or brought back upon my return.
Some of my old friendships have taken a whole new turn, I've gone back to some deep routes on these people and they have been amazing during this time, we've got together more times in the past couple months then in my times away at school. and of course my good friends at school have been good as well, making trips up, talking to me at all hours of the day or night.
And of course my brothers from Sigma Chi. Our conversations have not always been about me leaving or anything like that, just about anything at all. They made it seem like I was apart of everything even though I'm no longer there to be apart of that world. Yet they make me forget that I am not forgotten and am very much apart of their life still.
All of these people have been immensely appreciated during this time and have made these past months and weeks enjoyable and rewarding.
Now, of course i said things are all night right, in this past week alone has been a rough reminder of things gone wrong with my all but illustrious relationships, I've had a reminder i used to love someone but am no longer involved in their life, another seems to think that I'm not handling rejection so well, when our only conversations have been no more then 5 minutes or so of actual conversation each time her leaving the conversation either by no response or as of tonight by her telling me off and stuff along that lines, this only supporting my thoughts that she is trying to push me away after I let her know of my feelings. If that is her choice so be it. and of course there is the birthday's I'm always used to being very thoughtful, but with her, it seems to always result in more. I dig my own graves far too much.
It also isn't sinking in so well that I'm going to be gone over the holidays, without family or friends to hang out with, without the same well wishes, or sense of return to a greater sense of normality, holidays have always been such a source of that, and during this massive uprooting it won't be, it will be another log on the fire. this isn't making me feel very excited about going.
Lastly, the more i think about going the more questions that arise the more I'm not sure i know all i need to know to go. but this is how it is, and well as much as I think I'm lacking, well I'll jump none the less.
I'm not feeling that great after writing this, seeing all that i think I see that is going wrong with this transformation, we'll see where this leads me, but right now after this latest blow up at me, after I wanted someone to talk to who might understand what this is like, well I think I'm done with it.
May the storm winds bring new air
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